Developments on the Song Futures Market

I know I promised to detail my recent trip to Vegas, but today I have been distracted by another fantastically useless idea: a song futures market. I came upon this when listening to the radio the other day. While executing a particularly advanced piece of driving Kung Fu the radio station began to play Eve 6’s “Promise.” Generally speaking, I hate Eve 6 and would have immediately changed the station, but at the time I was wedged between a Lincoln Navigator and a garbage truck and I thought it prudent to attend to details other than music. By the time I freed myself it had occurred to me that “Promise” actually isn’t a terrible song. I remembered it as being yet another piece of post-grange alternative tripe in the late 90’s but by 2005 its chorus seemed kinda catchy and lyrics like “everybody wants a promise and a smile” didn’t annoy me as much as they used to. It was clear; the entertainment value of this song appreciated dramatically since its debut. Should it continue to make steady gains over the next few years it could become a song I would actually seek out.

As I thought more about this issue, I realized that most songs become more or less cool as time goes on. There needs to be some sort of secondary market to protect individuals from fluctuations in the coolness of their music. Too many otherwise cool individuals find themselves humiliated by their Motley Crue past or ill-advised opinions like “Nirvana really isn’t that musically talented.” One should be able to invest part of one’s “cool” social capital in a music options market. For a nominal decrease in one’s popularity individuals should be able to obtain the option to trade in their musical likes or dislikes at some sort of optimum value should the music appreciate or depreciate much faster than originally expected.

Here’s how it would work. My wife loved New Kids on the Block. Now she has to hide this fact for fear she will be ostracized by people who had cooler historical musical taste. If she had purchased a “sell” option on her NKOTB fandom it would have slightly reduced the amount of coolness she could have derived from being a fan in 1992, but in exchange she could now simply produce the option and let those around her know that it had been exercised in 1997 resulting in a net loss of only a few cool points by 2005.

Let’s look at the other scenario. Say you just couldn’t let go of hair bands in the early 90’s. When confronted with Jane’s Addiction you said something like, “Tesla could kick their ass any day of the week.” In 2005 this unwise opinion would likely end up a centerpiece of ridicule. However, if you had purchased a Buy option on Jane’s Addiction you could produce it and let others know you had exercised your rights to become a Jane’s Addiction fan at 1994 coolness levels upon the release of Tesla’s final album. The cool points lost would be minimal.

Since this is just too good/stupid of an idea for me to stop talking about it, here are some of my insider tips for the song futures market.

OutKast – Rose – I’m sorry. The writing is on the wall with this one. It sucks (or should I say it smells like poo poo poo). The only reason we all thought this was cool was because of the transitive property of cool. The people in OutKast are cool. The people in OutKast are responsible for this song. Ergo, this song is cool. Except it isn’t. No song that uses “poo-poo” as a euphemism for excrement can be. Get a sell option.

Counting Crows – The entire collection – I think I speak for everybody when I say that counting crows have been a bit of a disappointment recently. There first album was so good, and then … Shrek happened. However, even a lot of their latter songs possess a kind of haunting quality that hints at some songwriting skill. Counting Crows has the possibility of coming out with a truly great album one of these days. Dis them with caution and make sure you have a Buy option.

Franz Ferdinand – Take Me Out – This is a difficult one. Though the song is catchy, it really isn’t that interesting once you’ve heard it a thousand times. On the other hand, it is just creative enough to possibly belie a talented group of musicians who could continue to produce catchy songs for a long time. Hedge your bets either way on this one. If you are a fan, get a sell option; if you are a detractor, get a buy.

Hillary Duff/Lindsey Lohan/Jo Jo – Everything – You had better have a sell option or avoid these altogether. Being a fan of “teen pop sensations” is kinda like buying Argentinean junk bonds. Probably it’s a bad idea, but if it works out you will make a killing because nobody else is willing to take the risk.

Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlanticism – Awesome CD, but no one knows about it. Being a fan could be highly rewarding if anyone ever finds out that they exist, but otherwise your fandom will be greeted with an increasing number of blank stares from people who are cooler than you. Get a Sell option and curse the capricious nature of modern cool capitalism.

Please add to this list through the comments section. Remember, five minutes of advice could save you or someone you know from a lifetime of ridicule.